so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
