i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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