my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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