I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
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I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.