You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.