I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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