Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
