Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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