Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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