I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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