i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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