When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
