I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
