On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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