I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.