Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
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He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.