he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
