She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
