She is in my trunk
im about as happy as oj after his trial
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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