who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
