I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
