Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
