I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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