If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
