Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
