Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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