My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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