So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
