I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
