Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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