Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
