I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
