Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
