He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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