I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
