I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Your penis caused this!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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