dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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