I have demons in me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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