Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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