I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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