Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
