C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
