my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
