woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
