how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
