And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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