i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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