Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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