Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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