Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives