Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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