I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
