I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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