Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
