TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
