Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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