Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
