I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
