I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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