i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
